A Bewildering New World of Sexuality

A little over a month ago, I sat across from one of the most beautiful men I have ever seen, listening to him describe how it felt to have me in his arms – the softness and trust I exuded unlike anything he had ever felt before – and how he imagined us lying together, my head on his chest, immersed in that sensation. In that moment, all the little doubts and insecurities I had felt since meeting him rose to the surface and flooded me with the understanding that what I long for most in this world was close enough to touch, but this wasn’t the right time or place. Not this man. Not now. And the pain of falling as hard for him as I already had in the space of a week, and walking away, took all the self-love I had. It was not safe to rest inside of him. And a wound, an old wound, a newly raw and throbbing wound, was ripped open, and all the joy and light and inspiration rushed away from me at a time in my life when I needed it most desperately.

I admit to feeling thoroughly at sea when I try to make sense of everything that has come up recently in my life regarding sexuality. Pivotal in my journey, which began by becoming suddenly single in my mid-30’s, was the discovery of the book Attached, which applies research on infant attachment to the way adults form romantic bonds. What was both validating and unnerving was my immediate resonance with the Anxious attachment style. I felt embarrassed that the tumultuous relationships I’d experienced since my divorce were such classic cases of my being drawn to Avoidants who are not good candidates for providing the reassurance I need to love securely. I felt threatened by the report of their increasing presence as a dating pool ages and frustrated by the realization that what I have craved my whole life – a series of exciting, transformational liaisons with lively and fascinating men – was now clearly off the table unless I wanted to dishonor my innate constitution and waste energy on a string of worthless heart-breaks. It was clear to me that I had already spent plenty of time doing just that.

What I next became aware of were the social experiments being conducted by my friends – couples who were committed, but living separately; couples who didn’t have sex, but had lots of cuddle buddies; married couples who had regular liaisons with other sexual partners, with or without their spouse; individuals who troll social media to negotiate any manner of hook-ups; and a growing number of meet-ups for exploring any combination of interests in sexuality and intimacy. The only thing that everyone seems to agree on regarding sexuality these days is that it should be consensual.

I have had a number of reactions to this new trend. Always the first to surface is an old sense of shame in my sexuality. “I am not attractive or adventurous enough! Everyone will eventually discover I am too old-fashioned and prudish to be cool and laid-back like them.” This belief has motivated much of my past sexual behavior, making it difficult for me to distinguish what I really want and enjoy from what I do in order to gain acceptance. This pattern was forged with Avoidant men I was terrified of boring to death or scaring away with my authentic self. Their inevitable departure despite my best efforts reinforced my belief that I was too emotionally needy, insecure, and demanding for a satisfying relationship with an interesting, devoted, and attractive man.

The next reaction I have to the new expressions of intimacy popping up around me is one of disbelief and condemnation. “All of these experimenters must be Avoidants! Otherwise, they would pair up comfortably in a life-long bond and experiment with their partner.” This assumption of mine is supported by my observation that these experiments are often conducted under a mutual agreement of “no expectations”. I judge this pact as an inherently flawed way for people who have been hurt to avoid the pain of disappointment, rejection, and abandonment, as well as a tactic that enables Avoidants to stay safely unaccountable for their impact on others. Believing that some of my friends feel as though it is healthy to be able to do and say anything in a relationship at any time without it deeply impacting mutual trust, intimacy, and affection has at times led me to distance myself emotionally from them or withhold my reaction to avoid being rejected for being close-minded or co-dependent. I struggle to imagine how intimacy can exist without trust and how trust can exist without a number of expectations being consistently met.

The final place I land is a sad and quiet place deep within myself. “What if some people really are able to have deep emotional bonds and a variety of physically and sexually intimate experiences with multiple partners?” If this is possible, I have to admit that I am missing out big time and there is nothing I can do about it. I’m either too afraid of getting hurt physically or emotionally to liberate myself, or I’m simply wired to bond and have to let go of experiencing physical intimacy until my body heals and I’m able to find someone I can bond with spiritually, mentally, and emotionally – even if that takes the rest of my life. This scenario feels like a heart-breaking waste of my innate enthusiasm and sensuality.

Recently, I have begun to wonder if there is a middle ground somewhere between full-out polyamory and begrudging celibacy – something that will work for both my body and my heart. I feel initially ashamed by the realization that what I have really wanted all along is to make out. High school style. For hours. But what grown man would want to do this with no promise of anything more? The idea of asking for this in full sincerity feels like revealing an embarrassing wound and childish fetish. And then it occurs to me that perhaps part of the reason my vagina bursts into flame whenever anyone comes near her is that she is trying to get me to own this authentic desire without needing to understand, explain, apologize, or compromise.

This is precisely where the issue of my sexuality once more becomes about so much more than physical intimacy. If I accept that the only way to get what I want is to ask for it – directly, simply, and without apology – and have the courage and humility to recognize and decline if my request is rejected, this would revolutionize my way of moving in the world. What would it be like if I said exactly what I wanted in a job? What would happen if I spoke up for exactly the way I wanted to be treated by coworkers and friends? What if I really accepted, or even considered for five minutes, that there isn’t anything twisted or deformed or abnormal about me – at least not more so than anyone else? The terrifying and simple act of speaking what I need may be my next step in resolving my struggles with sexism, interpersonal conflict, spirituality, health, security and abundance. And suddenly I laugh out loud at the empowering thought that I could actually just tell a guy I want to make out!

When I own this, I realize that my longing is not really a physical one, or even an emotional one. I have close friends and hugs and massage and dance and poetry. What I’m really seeking is a spiritual experience, a sensation of the existential bliss of letting my soul rise up through my lips, merge with another spirit and leave our shared skin behind to dance on the astral plane. That requires limited distraction from an over-stimulated body and awkward gymnastics. And it takes trust that as my heart and mind bond with theirs, I will not be abandoned with both a broken heart and spirit longing after that ruptured union with the divine.

I knew that beautiful man I sat across from, a-buzz with steaming vitality, could catapult us into the ether, but I also knew he would not be gentle with my spirit. While I feel my way towards one I can trust enough to fully open, I feel inspired by Tracy McMillan to do what I can for myself. I imagine myself folded within invisible arms and lips, drinking from the heart of the Universe an eternally soothing thrill that nothing in this world can threaten. And I realize that this might just make me as whacky as all the other sexual experimenters after all.

Nancy

“The Lovers will drink wine night and day until they can tear away the veils of intellect and melt away the layers of shame and modesty. When in Love, body, mind, heart and soul don’t even exist. Become this, fall in Love, and you will not be separated again.” – Rumi