Bison and Lioness: A Journey from Fear to Strength

The heart draws energy from the will in our solar plexus, just as the lioness is sustained by the herds of buffalo on the plains. Each kill is a sacred sacrifice when the vital energy of that life is transformed into service grounded in truth and compassion. 

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When I was a child, I was terrified of loud noises. My earliest memory is one of peering anxiously between the slats of my crib as the trash truck went by. When there were storms, I would hide under the wood slab kitchen table and ask with concern, “Does Thunder have a tail?”

My unadulterated instinct knew that what frightened me was an entity – not simply static charges in the clouds, but a being with form and intent. It wasn’t until I began exploring shamanic studies and dream work in my 20’s that I became acquainted with the idea of the Guardian of the Threshold, and of spirit guides who often first appear in menacing forms. These beings that terrify us often appear to challenge or liberate – inviting us to reclaim and refine our power through them. 

My first experience of this was when I was recently divorced and considering some bold life changes. A lioness stalked me in a dream. I could see her eyes and feel her bulk and power in the shadows between the hedgerows. When I woke, I tried a practice of engaging her with my active imagination. Face-to-face in the light I came to know her over a series of meditations as a formidable ally. Once I stopped fearing she would hurt me, I discovered her infinite power to protect and nurture me. 

When frightened or lonely, I would bring her to mind and feel her sitting on her haunches behind me, one massive paw on either side of me with my cheek nestled into the soft fur of her chest. I could feel her breath rise and fall, smell the soft animal musk of her, and feel profoundly at peace. Sometimes she would lick me, her tongue as wide as my entire body, and I would giggle with delight. But usually, I would sit between her paws as we gazed out together across a vast empty valley of plains and ravines. Together, I knew nothing could hurt me and felt flooded with profound, unconditional love. 

She never spoke to me and never showed the force of her strength. The power of her presence simply radiated the unquestionable truth that she would never be moved from the place she stood, and I would never be taken from her. And over the years that we sat together in this imaginal world – as my outer life took me to strange, unexpected, and often hostile places – I began to feel her not just at my back, but within me – within my own heart as the capacity not to attack or defend, but to remain immovably committed to what is sacred, with fierce and tender patience. Through her, I came to know the sensation of self-love. 

This lioness was the first of a number of animal guides I’ve met and come to know through dreams, meditations, and encounters with wildlife. Together, they form a group of 6-7 animals I refer to as my Guardians. After my psilocybin journey last year, I began to understand that they protect me outwardly by occupying each of the cardinal directions and solidify me within by embodying each of my chakras. They exist in dynamic relationship with each other, their positions, roles, and identities in organic flux attuning to my life circumstances and in response to the quality of time, attention, and curiosity I give them. They’ve become a steady and growing source of security, inspiration, and wonder in an increasingly challenging and chaotic world. 

Another Guardian closely associated with the Lioness is Bison. I first met him early in my autoimmune diagnosis when doing parts work around the inner parent. He appeared in my imagination – broad and sturdy – in constant movement across the plains; never rushed, but never deterred despite blazing sun or deep snow drifts. I would walk alongside him, leaning up against him for support, and slowly began to understand the strength needed to endure what feels impossible, one step at a time. From him, I learned the value of choosing a direction, without needing to know where it leads, and simply putting one hoof in front of the other.  

A couple of years later, I took an on-line shamanic training from a practitioner who owned a bison ranch outside Calgary. Shamanic tradition teaches that we inhabit the middle world, but can also visit the upper and lower worlds to work with our guides and to give and receive healing. Following a shaft of light up into the clouds, I saw a darkening and heard a familiar rumble. I remembered my anxious childhood question: “Does Thunder have a tail?” And there was Bison. I felt a flood of emotion knowing he had been with me my whole life. And I recognized that just like the Lionness, sometimes the most powerful allies are the ones we initially fear. 

Earlier this year, I was feeling the need for a powerful masculine ally – a father-figure to balance the more feminine strength of Lioness. I was facing challenges at the clinic I manage and in my new relationship that were causing doubts and anxieties beyond my capacity. I needed a more fiery fierceness beyond simply enduring or holding steady with compassion. 

During this time, I had a powerful dream. I’ve often had frightening dreams about some massive, dark, malevolent force in a basement that I’m inexplicably drawn towards, but never see. Once again, I was compelled down a flight of dilapidated stairs and saw at the bottom a figure – a menacing man with a muscular chest and the head of an ox. I wanted to turn and run, but knew there was no escape. I stretched my hands out in front of me with a conviction in my own power. An invisible energy like blue-white electricity shot from my palms and flattened him. 

After taming his power, Bison came to live within me. I often feel the huff of his breath, the heft of his horns, his broad chest. With him, I’m better able not just to endure, but to embody the bullish clarity and assertiveness needed to move projects forward and proclaim who I am in relationship, what I’m willing to compromise and what I will fight for. 

Bison and Lioness are two Guardians who have been the most visceral and tactile to me, and their location and function has remained clear and consistent over time. As the original and most core of the Guardians, Lioness sits within my heart and stands at my center. Bison stands just below and behind her, sitting in my solar plexus and positioned at my back. Together they are the solid, grounded presence I need to maintain my core and move through the world with courage and intention. I feed our relationship by feeling into their presence within and around me every morning, posting pictures that look like them, vocalizing, moving, and on occasion even dressing like them, and calling to them when I need the support they offer. 

Their relationship reminds me that before we can live with heart and show genuine compassion, we must have access to our core truth and act in alignment with it. This provides the foundation and energy needed to truly love – not in a way that compromises us or takes from others – but in a way that honors who each person is in their core. The heart draws energy from the will in our solar plexus, just as the lion is sustained by the herds of buffalo on the plains. Each kill is a sacred sacrifice when the vital energy of that life is transformed into service grounded in truth and compassion. 

This ancient, sacred relationship between Lioness and Bison reminds me that participating in life, engaging with the ecosystem in which we live – whether at work, at home, or in politics – requires an intimate exchange grounded in vulnerability. Life is sustained and evolves through the dynamics of eating and being eaten, inseminating and being impregnated. To engage and adapt, the boundary between us and the Other must break down. 

Sometimes we influence others and the world around us changes. Sometimes we find ourselves in an impossible situation and the dynamic tension of irreconcilable opposites reveals a previously unknown potential. And sometimes a relationship, situation, or idea takes from us something previously essential to our being in a process that feels like death. But there is always an essential kernel that remains. Evolution can never negate the past or bypass the core of what a thing is. Our bundle of DNA – our inherent gifts and longings – are asking to be woven into the fabric of the story unfolding around us. 

My connection to Bison and Lioness, and all the Guardians, enables me to meet the chaos of a world in upheaval and collapse with a life line, a mast, and a divining rod. They show me that sometimes the things that are most terrifying are exactly what we need. If we approach them with curiosity, intention, time, and attention, they can connect us to a core source of strength that is infinite. 

Nancy

I offer this piece as a birthday gift for my friend, Renee, who’s been encouraging me to write about my Guardians and has been a fierce ally on the road of recovery.