This is the first in a series of posts dedicated to finding meaning through Self-love and solidarity as part of a book-writing project begun in December 2021.
When I used to teach introductory meditation retreats, I would tell my students that I meditated in order to build a relationship with the one person who would always be there for me: me.
Years later, having passed through my own dark night of the soul, I believe that to be more true than ever. In a world of constant distraction, change, uncertainty, stress, and toxicity, cultivating an enduring, inner anchor is no longer just for privileged spiritual seekers but a necessity for anyone’s mental, emotional, and physical survival.
What enabled me to continue on with life after losing my marriage, career, home, health, belief system, and identity was tapping into a sense of purpose in the midst of it all and developing a practice of self-love and solidarity with my(S)elf.
Because I know that the forces that eroded my life and continue to challenge me affect us all, I’ve decided to dedicate my website, my writing, and my creative and spiritual practices to deepening and sharing what I’ve learned.
If you also struggle with loneliness, meaninglessness, hopelessness, and/or compulsive self-destructive behavior I invite you to join me in an ongoing exploration of how being alive in this day and age is asking us to evolve. We’ll be diving into what it takes to survive, adapt, and engage in a meaningful way while maintaining our humanity, dignity, zeal for genuine enjoyment, and the spark required to stand our ground and growl in protection of what’s sacred to us.
Why Inner Work is Primary
I acknowledge the irony of wanting to deepen my relationship with myself in a world of increasing isolation, greed, and self-absorption, especially given my history of relational avoidance, social anorexia, and addiction.
Part of me is feeling called to focus on repairing and expanding my connections, relationships, and ways of being of service. But the greater part of me knows that anything I offer must come from a place of being in solidarity with myself. Otherwise, my actions in the world are ultimately self-serving; an attempt to fill an inner void and a survival strategy that perpetuates projection and exploitation.
The main reason I believe we must start with our relationship with ourselves is because of how childhood trauma develops. Most of what we struggle with has its roots in painful experiences we had as children that were not witnessed, validated, or held in a loving, empowering way. Our default is to seek the parenting we didn’t receive from others. But when we’re adults, that’s no longer appropriate, safe, or even possible.
We must begin by believing ourselves, being present to our experience, treating ourselves with care, and discerning the guidance we need for navigating our unique life. Our inner world becomes rewoven where it was frayed and fractured. Then we can make informed, healthy, and generous decisions about our beliefs, home, relationships, careers, and purpose.
That said, I’ve found that nothing in this process is rigidly black and white or linear. It’s not about “Do I work on myself or serve others?” or “Do I need to master a nonviolent approach before I can start working with my grief or rage?” If we wait to perfect ourselves or any specific skill, we’ll never progress or share our much-needed gifts with others.
What we need is a place to start and a way to get realigned when we stray. Because all aspects of this journey are interconnected, as we dedicate time and attention to them, we revisit and deepen whatever step organically presents itself as our inner and outer worlds come to reflect and mutually re-enforce each other.
Daily Self and Deep Self
When I refer to solidarity and self-love, I’m not talking about warm fuzzies or coddling, or even about meditation and relaxation, although those are all vital in certain situations. I’m referring to something far deeper, broader, and more intimate. I’m referring to the work of reconnecting our daily self with our deep Self.
Our daily self – often referred to as ego, personality, survival strategies, etc. – knows the language and customs of our culture, how to drive a car and balance a bank account, and how to earn a living and relate to others. It is more or less effective depending on whether what it’s learned is appropriate to our current circumstances. It’s vulnerable to trauma from fear, rejection, failure, and abuse because it favors routine, safety, status, and being in control. It’s also a vital vehicle for expressing our purpose. As a friend once told me, “We need our ego. It’s the one who knows where we put the keys to the ashram.”
Our deep Self is the part of us that is beyond the time and place into which we’re born, that is here to learn and grow through the situations we encounter, and that is inherently whole, valuable, and gifted in something needed at this precise moment in history. It’s where we can tap into a deep reservoir of love, inspiration, creativity, and courage, as well as often enigmatic messages and ancient impulses.
Our deep Self serves our daily self by instilling a sense of being inherently safe, loved, valuable, and energized. This frees up our joy, creativity, and courage, enables us to discern the right action to take, and allows us to be authentically generous and compassionate with others. But the raw energy of the deep Self can also have a powerfully destabilizing and/or addictive effect since it’s vast and timeless, and the visions and longings it brings can be intoxicating and often conflict with cultural norms and our personal needs for security and acceptance.
Our daily self serves our deep Self by providing healthy boundaries for mediating and translating its inspiration, and finding practical ways for expressing our purpose that genuinely serve the world. It takes a seasoned, durable, and practically skilled daily self to channel the energy of the deep Self into the world in a way doesn’t overwhelm, disorient, or come across as fanatical or irrelevant.
Our culture encourages a disconnect between the daily self and deep Self through magnifying insatiable desires for comfort, pleasure, and power, ignoring our more soulful needs for ritual, art, and purpose, bypassing our grief and outrage, and glorifying transcendence. Believing these two aspects of ourselves to be of equal value and dedicating time and attention to repairing their bond is an act of rebellion that is timeless and truly revolutionary.
A balanced, collaborative partnership between our daily self and deep Self infuses our life with meaning regardless of our circumstances, reconnects us to a web of interdependent relationships and surrendipity, and positions our life within the grand and wonderous context of the history of life on this planet.
A Roadmap to Reconnecting
What I’m offering is a roadmap of what’s helped me – one human out of 7 billion – begin to repair the disconnect between my daily self and deep Self. Like life itself it’s a never-ending work in progress. There’s no moment of arrival, perfection, or completion. The steps and tools I’ll be sharing and unpacking are intended as a process for how we can begin and as a path we can realign to when we’re lost and at odds with ourself and the world, when we’re wondering what’s next, when we want to support others, and when we’re wanting a reminder of what it’s all for.
This work is first and foremost about showing up. Not about gratitude, affirmations, self-improvement, or selfless service – although those often naturally unfold with time. It’s about a commitment to welcoming all aspects of ourselves with curiosity and compassion to the best of our ability, standing in solidarity with ourselves, and increasing our capacity to listen – to the reality of our lives, to our aches and longings, to what we’re being asked to do, and to the deep and often mysterious inner resources that are our birthright.
Over the next 12+ months, I’ll be sharing excerpts from the draft of my book in progress, including stories, reflections, tools and practices related to the following stages:
Reconnecting: Non-Violence, Listening, Grief, and Forgiveness
Re-Energizing: Play, Pleasure, Celebration, and Prayer
Re-Building: Dreaming, Discipline, Anger, and Patience
My vision is that through this process, we find ourselves coming into contact with and feeling accompanied by something present within and around us that provides a sense of safety, welcome, warmth, and guidance that persists through all the people, places, opportunities, and ideologies that pass through our lives. And it endures, I believe, even when we cross over at the end of our life.
This relationship with our deep Self is the most precious one we have, because it’s always, always there, ready to engage, when we learn how to listen and trust. And I believe it’s the most powerful asset we have on the planet right now for healing and rebuilding our lives individually and collectively.
My deepest wish is that you – like me – find this to be a journey to feeling more deeply comfortable in your own skin, to a life of greater simplicity, ease, and synergy, to more moments of deep pleasure and wonder, to more humor and curiosity, to a more inherent sense of power and dignity, and – above all – to a deepening realization of being accompanied and living a meaningful life regardless of where you are, who are you with, or what you’re achieving.
Nancy